


Substantiate

by fandolion



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, F/M, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Nightmares, also may needs more screen time, fear dimension, i can't tag, i love them, what a rubbish title sorry, when will philinda become canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 11:56:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14212614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandolion/pseuds/fandolion
Summary: (Philinda)When the fear dimension reopens, nightmares are unearthed that cannot be fought alone...She wanted to cry out, or run, but the icy fist of the cold seemed to be holding her in place, the sickening tendrils of consternation reaching into her very soul, and squeezing her lungs so that her breathing seemed to stop."Kill it by any means necessary"





	Substantiate

**Author's Note:**

> I guess this is set a few episodes ago. Not my proudest work but i thought I'd post it anyway just because there's not as much in the Phillinda tag as there usually is. Enjoy x

There had been this short time- an uncomfortable phase just after the fear dimension rift had been closed where everyone had seemed withdrawn, intent on finding secluded places to hide from the others. All the horrifying things that had happened and all the horrifying things to come was making people tense and jittery. Jemma seemed lost as she watched Fitz work almost obssesively, begging him in vain to stop and take a break, or at least try to get some sleep. Whenever Daisy was around, her eyes were dark and her feet seemed to drag with fatigue as she walked. Coulson was worst, he had begun to avoid everyone, he wouldn't even make eye contact with May. It was cowardly, he knew, but he didn't want the pain of the uncomfortable conversations or even worse, the volatile awkward silences. During the day he focused on preparing the team for the inevitable, during the night he would lay twisted in the bedsheets, a hand clutching the agonising pain in his chest.

May tried not to focus on the pain of her family as she lay awake at night. She pulled up Mack's video from Fitzsimmon's wedding, and her tears turned to those of joy as she watched everyone's happy faces. They had needed that brief window of happiness to remind them what they are fighting for. She couldn't help but be a little jealous of the couple. Now all she could think of was how the most important person ever to enter her life, so cheerful in the video, was dying. He had been for ages yet said nothing. Still, he said nothing. But that didn't seem alien anymore, nobody seemed to want to talk to her recently. It took a while to compose herself, but she needed to at least look strong, she has a family to pull together. She had decided to visit Yo-yo in the med bay, Melinda couldn't imagine what she must be going through. The rhythm of her heels hitting the floor was notably irregular due to her slight limp, making her frown. To her it was yet another reminder that she was weak.

It was as she stepped out of the lift that she heard it, Fitz's chilling announcement-  
"the fear dimension is reopening, the manifestations will be stronger than before, so be prepared." 

Dread crept up her spine as she rounded the corner. She froze. Cold panic rushed over her skin like wind in a tunnel, for there at the other end of the corridor was a fear- no, a nightmare which she thought she would never see again. The figure raised an arm out towards her, the fingers unfurling so that they were outstretched in an almost welcoming way.  
"Take my hand"

She wanted to cry out, or run, but the icy fist of the cold seemed to be holding her in place, the sickening tendrils of consternation reaching into her very soul, and squeezing her lungs so that her breathing seemed to stop.

"Kill it by any means necessary" she heard Fitz finish on the speakers.

The girl that had haunted her sleep for years since Bahrain bared her teeth in a twisted yet sweet smile, her dark eyes glinting under the lurid artificial glow of the lights. Melinda's own eyes shone with fear.

"You killed mother"  
The girl took a step forward, and suddenly the gap between them seemed so much smaller. Melinda tried to move away but it felt like wading through treacle.  
"I need a new mum now, take... My... Hand!" It said with more force, punctuating each word with a stride towards May.  
Feeling something cool and heavy in her grasp she looked down to see a gun- the gun. She swallowed the bile rising in her throat. This was the gun from Bahrain she had grabbed off of the basement floor as she scrambled backwards in desperation, the gun she had fired to- no she didn't want to think about this. It had been a hard call, one which everyday she wishes she didn't have to make. But after Aida had shown her that nightmarish alternate reality, where the consequences of not taking the shot had led to the dominance of Hydra, May had come to terms with the fact it was the best decision, and had found some peace with her nightmares.

"Please" may whispered. "I didn't want to do it!" A peel of harsh laughter rippled from the girl's lips.

"And yet you did." she spat. "SHIELD was created to protect. Since when was shooting innocent children protocol? No wonder Phil Coulson sees you as a monster."  
Melinda blinked, the familiar name pulling her out of shocked trance. She turned her head to face the apparition.

"...what?" She whispered faintly.  
The thing laughed again, the innocent features of the girl's face twisting into a sneer.  
"Haven't you noticed? Ever since Bahrain he's been using you to do all the dirty work. After all, that's what the cavalry is for, isn't it?  
Melinda sank to her knees, the words like a punch to the gut. Her shaking hands held the gun forward, her training the only thing keeping it vaguely level. The girl pouted mockingly.

"What, did you think he might love you? That's cute, but you know the truth really. I may be a manifestation of your fears, but I'm also your logic. I'm from your head and I'm real."  
May could feel the adrenaline rushing through her, making her toes tingle unpleasantly. She said nothing, her brain feeling as numb as her arms as she tightened her grip on the weapon.  
"Oh put that nasty thing down, we both know you could never kill me again" she snapped. May heard the gun clatter to the floor before she had even realised she'd let go of it. She was right about that, real or not, what stood in front of her was a child. One she had failed once, failing the girl again would break her.

"Phil Coulson..." May paused, fixing a steady gaze onto the child "is a good man, and I will not hear otherwise"

"Is that so? Why did he lie about him dying? Why does he still lie about what happened with your LMD? If he cared, he would at least trust you."

"I lie because I care."  
May's head whipped around to see the source of the voice, Phil, stepping out of the lift. In one swift motion he scooped the abandoned gun off of the floor and aimed it at the girl. May screamed and grabbed at his arm to stop him, but the single shot had fired. She froze, turning her head to see the bullet rip through the child's life, like a flashback of all those years ago.  
"Phil" she whispered. " What have you done" she tried to reach for her as she fell, but Coulson held her back with a firm grasp on her elbow. They watched as the apparition dissipated into a grey mist.They stood staring for a while in shock, his hand still resting on her elbow, hers hanging onto his shirt with a balled fist. She took a deep, shaking breath.  
"Phil I - " she was interrupted by the sound of the lift doors opening once again.

It was Coulson. Phil Coulson had just stepped out of the lift, identical to the man standing beside her. She watched their eyebrows furrow in synced bewilderment, mouths silently opening and closing as they tried to form something to say. She carefully stepped away from them both, grabbing the gun from the first Coulson as she did so.

"Both of you, stand there." She ordered, indicating to the opposite wall.  
"But... That's me..." The first Coulson stuttered.  
"That's impossible!" Whispered the other. They both turned and took a step towards her.  
"Mel, you -"  
"I said stand against the wall!" They both retreated in surprise.  
" You've known me long enough to know I'm real"  
"I can prove it! Ask me anything!"  
"STOP!" She cried "don't you see? One of you is real, the other is from my head, so is a manifestation of what I would think is real. You both share memories of when you have been with me, any other memories I don't know about I can't prove are true. Though it seems the real Coulson is a good liar" she finished, narrowing her eyes. At least they both had the dignity to look a little sheepish at this. May took a deep breath, expelling the air through her nose and readjusting the gun in her sweaty palms. "So, I want you to tell me about what happened to my LMD whilst I was in the framework. That's one memory I wasn't exactly present for. You first." She pointed the gun at the first Coulson, who raised his hands defensively. 

"We were in the library, I had the darkhold... I was so horrified when you pulled a gun on me that I didn't even try to defend myself, I was lucky that Daisy was there and that she knew it was a fake. After that I had nightmares of you killing me, it almost drove me insane! They only stopped when I got you back and I knew you were safe."  
May released the safety catch on the gun with a click, now training it on the other Coulson.  
"Same as what he said, but I uhh..." He swallowed, looking towards the ground, the tinge of a blush creeping up his neck, something Melinda had not seen in a while "I kissed it" he blurted. "I guess the LMD realised it was something that I wanted so it used that to get the book. I don't know when it started but I chatted with it, I drank with it and I thought there was something between us so I ...it...well it didn't go well, it tried to kill me." He sighed. "All that time and it was just programming."  
There was a deafening bang, and he stumbled back in shock, clutching his chest. He watched in alarm as the face of his other self twisted in agony, then anger, before melting into black mist.  
A moment of stillness passed, the echo of the gunshot fading so that only their heavy breathing could be heard.

May surprised both of them by breaking the silence with a chuckle. "So that's what really happened to the Haig!" She said in mock anger.  
"You could've shot me!"  
"Instinct told me he was fake"  
"INSTINCT? you risked my life by guessing?!"  
May smirked. "I'm joking! I knew he was fake before he even finished talking, he had over a fortnight of memory he couldn't recall. I just wanted to see what you would say"  
"Mel, about that..."  
"It's fine, we can get some more Haig and 'chat.' Maybe..." She faultered, finding the words difficult to say. "...maybe it wasn't all programming"  
A smile worked its way onto Coulson's lips, lighting his face up in a way it hadn't done for a long time. He caught her off guard by grabbing one of her small hands in his own and drawing her to his side. "Melinda May, you mean everything to me." He declared before stooping down to kiss her. She gladly leaned into him, allowing his arms to snake around her waist and pull her impossibly closer.  
It was at this point that Daisy came hurtling around the corner, out of breath and wide eyed.  
"Is everyone ok? I heard shots being... Oh!" Coulson and May jumped apart as if they had been electrified. Phil grinned from ear to ear whilst Melinda half hid behind him, avoiding eye contact with them both, but also with a smile on her face.  
"I just shot Coulson!" May Chuckled, failing to think of anything better to say.  
"Yes I think we better close this level and stick together more, safety in numbers and all" added Coulson.  
"Ha! Just an excuse to spend quality time together" giggled Daisy. "Well the secret is out now!" She turned and sprinted down the corridor, no doubt to tell Yoyo and Simmons the news on their 'parents'.

May and Coulson smiled at her back as she disappeared back down the way she came, and then at each other.  
" Some quality time wouldn't go amiss" she said, stepping back into his arms. He hummed into her dark hair.   
" I'd like that too"

**Author's Note:**

> Oh gosh I just re-read this and realised how truly terrible my writing is, whoops!  
> Thanks for reading this far, hope you enjoyed it. I would appreciate a quick comment on how to improve this, or prehaps a suggestion for a future fanfic x


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